There were nights I would lay awake just wondering and feeling empty. Wondering why God bothered to make me. Why he didn’t just leave me un-made. At least then I’d have no consciousness of what seems like a meaningless existence.
If there was a purpose for my existence I certainly didn’t see it. Funny enough, the only reason I probably never gave suicide a thought was because I knew heaven and hell were very real, and I had already heard gist that if you commit suicide you would go straight to hell (I won’t tell you whether or not that’s true for now, but I’m alive). The concept was one engraved in my head since I was a kid.
Which was why rather than thinking of a way to end it all, I struggled even more with grasping why on earth God would make me. Like I just couldn’t understand it because you see, life isn’t all fun and games.
I mean, look at the child born out of wedlock and into hatred from a family he didn’t instigate or choose. Or at that boy who lost his father to an unfair system because he didn’t have money to defend him. Or even in a more sensitive subject, someone being treated poorly and in one too many cases, killed just because of the color of their skin—— like what is that?!
To put it plain, life can be really tough at times. And if you know me, you’d know that “I don’t like stress”. Anything that will disturb my emotional state, please keep it to yourself. Thank you.
Yet here I was… the basic concept of my existence was stressing me out. I recall that I would say then, “Fine! If I can’t grasp why you made me, would you at least let me know why I feel so empty?” I wondered all the time.
Was that the plan? To have us wander through life, maybe make one or two good dents in history and eventually die leaving our footprints on the sands of time. Or for some of us to become forgotten before our bodies even wax cold. I honestly wondered.
I also wondered why it seemed that the answer never came. Most times it was just a reassurance that He loved me but was that supposed to be enough? And how could God really love me and yet leave me feeling empty? How can you love the world the way you say you do and yet leave it so broken? I mean it is honestly horrible.
The streets run red with the blood of the innocent. Children are left orphaned and turned into beggars and thieves, as though they asked to be born into suffering. So how could the assurance of your love really be the answer when all I could see was what looked like the absence of it? All I saw looked like a world that had been abandoned by its creator.
But now I know that not only did I not understand when God said He loved me, I also didn’t know HOW He loved me and the entire world.
I didn’t know that before He even created the world; He looked into time, and being the beginning and the end that He is, He saw everything. And as the wise and loving God He is, He already had a plan and set it all in motion. All before even making us!
I didn’t know that God always knew from the start that I wouldn’t be perfect and He never expected me to be. Because His plan was never for me to stand before him based on my own perfection but rather on his.
I didn’t know that the love He had for me was so deep that it would literally bankrupt heaven as I’ve heard many say.
I didn’t know that all He needed from me was to rest in His love, because the satisfaction that comes from Him is truly endless.
I didn’t know that God would never stop chasing after me no matter how far I run or how hard I push Him away.
I didn’t know that His heart literally broke every time ours did from the cruel cruel world we live in. I honestly didn’t know.I didn’t know that unconditional love was His specialty, proved by Christ’s own blood spilled on the Cross for me, for us. Click To Tweet
I didn’t know the notion that “there’s a limit you can love someone to” is not a concept in His vocabulary. And that these words, “There’s an extent you can go to for someone”, make no sense whatsoever to Him. Not even for someone who doesn’t care. I didn’t know that unconditional love was His specialty, proved by Christ’s own blood spilled on the Cross for me, for us.
I didn’t know that He had also made us with the most meaningful purpose ever, one not only worth living for, but also worth dying for.I didn’t know that I would be graced with the privilege of being His (God’s) own temple, that I would not have to go and find Him in any building or leave Him there; but that He literally lives in me and I carry Him everywhere I go. Click To Tweet
I didn’t know that I would be graced with the privilege of being His (God’s) own temple, that I would not have to go and find Him in any building or leave Him there; but that He literally lives in me and I carry Him everywhere I go.
I didn’t know then that the vacuum in me could only be filled by God’s everlasting love, like the Hillsong song “Life” says: “I need your love more than my lungs need oxygen”. I didn’t know that what felt like a lifetime of suffering was nothing compared to what the never ending joy and bliss of living with Him for all of eternity, would be.
I didn’t know that when His plan is finally all done, He will literally wipe away tears from all our faces. And what seemed so long, would suddenly appear so small, because it is. Afterall, what is a hundred years compared to an eternity?
I honestly didn’t know. And you too, reading this now, may not know. Or maybe you do; Wherever you fall in, it blesses you nonetheless, to either be reminded, or to be welcomed to the reality of the proactive love of the Father
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