Yeah you kinda saw this coming, didn’t you? We just had to have another appointment. But I see that you brought your girl this time around. And my my my, I can also see you have really been treating her right. Way to go!
Wait, what’s that?
Now you want me to teach your girl how to treat you right?
Well, as The Love Doctor, I can’t help but give good treatment to help people give good treatment to the ones they love.
💊 1) NO TELEPATHY
I had to start with this one, because it seems to be where the alpha and omega of communication in relationships hinges upon.
Young lady, have you ever been in a situation where you feel a certain way, it could be an emotion of pain, disgust, irritation, anger, dissatisfaction, hurt, disappointment, insecurity, etc., whatever the case might be. And then your man doesn’t notice how you’re feeling in the moment.
Or perhaps, he noticed something was up and asked, “Babe, are you okay?” and you responded with “I’m fine”. Then he walks away believing that you’re truly fine, which makes you even more hurt and disappointed. Well, all that could have been duly avoided if you had said how you feel. Hold on, I’m getting somewhere with this.
In case you don’t know what telepathy is, it’s that ability that one has that enables them to read the mind of another person; knowing their every thought per time.
Ladies are gifted with the ability to use words expressly and naturally (no shade intended because it really is a great gift) so use those words. Communicate and don’t assume that he should know how you feel all the time. If he were Professor X (Charles Xavier) from the X-Men, then you would have no problems at all (in fact, he would know things you never knew you didn’t know about yourself…lol…was that confusing? I hope not).
Yes, your default may be the expectation that he must have studied you so well to discern your every mood or emotion, that you don’t have to tell him verbally. In fact, you believe it would really be sweet of him to be able to know all the time, as that proves he really cares for you and is very sensitive to your feelings. Well, not everyday is Christmas my dear. Sometimes, he may get it, and other times, he might not.
For a guy who is not observant or sensitive enough, you’ll only get your hopes up too much all the time. Besides, it happens both ways. Sometimes ladies can’t tell when something is wrong. It happens both ways, but statistically, more with the guys than the ladies. So, don’t make the mistake by assuming he is a mind-reader. Save yourselves the trouble by saying what the issue is straight up.
Words are gifts to any relationship. They are free of charge and are designed to be used often. So, use them.
💊 2) LOVE BEYOND WORDS
I know it feels weird to have to tell a lady this, to love beyond just mere words, because it is believed that ladies are of a higher tendency to love a person deeply and mean the professions of love they make. They are more prone to loving in a manner somewhat unconditionally.
Regardless, this is a valid point to rehash.
You must love your man sincerely and deeply. Now, the extent of this romantic love needs to have clear boundaries as you both are not married yet. In marriage, you will have to love your man beyond his faults, shortcomings, failures, mistakes, weaknesses, and more. But this is not an advice you take to make you blind to the red flags when they show up.
There are certain signs that if noticed, you just may have to pull the plug on the relationship, things like; domestic violence, infidelity, frequent irresponsible acts, destructive habits, etc. But marriage won’t work that way. You’ll have to love unconditionally and regardless. That’s why it’s important to make marital decisions very wisely and carefully.
So, wrapping this up, learn to use those sweet words and mean them. You should not form ‘hard to get’ when you’re already in a relationship. It’s just counterproductive.
Feel free to express your love with words and mean them. In a bid to avoid the concept of “see finish” you may want to express yourself within the confines of dignity, but still be expressive. And let corresponding actions back up your love. And no, I’m not talking about actions that only married people should be doing (*inserts dark moon face emoji and winks*).
💊 3) STEP OUTSIDE YOURSELF
With growing needs, and ever-accelerating wants, it is easy to get trapped in a cage called SELF.
“A woman has needs.” “I need to be pampered.” “I cannot come and go and come and kill myself.” In summary, your anthem becomes “me, myself and I”.
Now, not every lady is like this. In fact, you find a lot of ladies going out of their way, to make their partner happy and satisfied. It’s in your nature to nurture and build. Still, there’s an occasional vortex that traps you, which happens very often, when you start to think only about your satisfaction alone, your comfort, your happiness; you.
You’ll find that true happiness in a relationship happens when there is a mutual service of both parties to meet and satisfy their relational needs. Be willing to put yourself in a position of true service, not because that’s your place as a woman, but because it’s what we’ve been called to do – serve. Both guy and ladies alike. It’s the true way to captain the relationSHIP.
You can take the initiative to put them on a pedestal higher than yourself, where you consider them before making decisions.
Here are the same wise words I shared with your man.
(3) Do nothing out of selfish ambition or empty pride, but in humility consider others more important than yourselves. (4) Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4
💊 4) NO TIGHT FISTS
This pill goes in tandem with the previous prescription to step out of yourself. It always pays to be generous in your relationship. Not just with your emotions this time around, but also with your resources.
I see no harm with you paying for the meals on some of your dates as a lady. Yes, society expects the man to do so every single time as he is supposed to be the breadwinner of the family eventually. But it doesn’t have to be the case, you know.
Now, if it becomes a situation where he makes you pay for meals or certain bills all the time because he’s very miserly and stingy with money, or perhaps isn’t financially responsible enough, then there needs to be some serious reassessment there. And I remember you mentioned this was the case, dear patient Z. My dear, if this really is the case for you, you will need to run away from that kind of relationship. And fast! Shhh!!! Don’t tell him I said that, okay.
Anyways, I believe it will be great sometimes to pamper your man and treat him to something nice; something he won’t forget in a hurry.
Don’t get comfortable in a space where you’re always at the receiving end of the relationship. Something should leave your hand to his as often as is possible. No tight fists! As the scriptures, say, it is more blessed to GIVE than to RECEIVE. If you haven’t been giving substantially in your relationship and things become one-sided in that regard, soon enough, it may become a topic of discussion and disdain in your relationship.
Strive to outdo yourselves in generosity. You can buy gifts and random; it doesn’t have to be his birthday. You can arrange for pleasant surprises; things that would be very dear and unique to him. Anything worth investing in requires resources to be put into it. Invest in your relationship. Be generous!
💊 5) WATCH YOUR TONE
So, you’ve probably heard this that, “A man doesn’t just hear WHAT was said, but HOW it was said”. Well, that’s very true. Guys are quite sensitive when it comes to the tone used in speech.
I believe that any reasonable guy must be teachable. Being teachable is at the heart of any successful relationship. It’s what helps you grow together as a couple and learn how to love and treat each other better. So, any person going into a relationship must be ready and willing to be corrected, taught, reproved and criticised. This goes especially for guys living in a world of toxic masculinity.
Men should realise that they aren’t always right, and their own way isn’t always the best. And quite often as a lady, you may notice those wrong things and would want to point them out and that’s fine. But how you do that is way more important.
Honestly, you should be able to feel comfortable sharing your sincere thoughts about any issue to your partner if truly they are teachable. But trust me, such feedback you give only flies well when you present it the right way.
This is not just a principle for romantic relationships, it is applicable across board. As a lady, it’s possible that you let sentiment outweigh the content of your feedback and present it simply as sentimental information. When you talk in a condescending manner, with a raised voice, gestures that indicate irritation, and a repulsive attitude, you would only make matters worse.
All he would hear is arrogance, pride, disrespect, dishonour. You may have raised fair and reasonable points, but they won’t pass the filter above his eardrums.
You must learn to speak and give feedback in a way that doesn’t isolate. What this means is that you don’t correct him in a way that he feels alone in that place of correction.
Let him know that you are there for him and with him to improve in that area that needs correction. Let your corrections and feedbacks be inclusive. It means working alongside him to help him get better. Does that make sense?
Try saying things a different way:
INSTEAD OF: You’re very wrong.
SAY: I don’t believe that’s the right way. Can you consider this option?
INSTEAD OF: You NEVER do this.
SAY: I’ve found that this doesn’t happen as often as it should, let us do something about this.
INSTEAD OF: You ALWAYS do this.
SAY: I have noticed that this happens quite frequently, and I honestly don’t like it. Can we work on this?
INSTEAD OF: You should know better na.
SAY: Here are the stats I found; I would rather we do things this way.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t listen to me.
SAY: I really think you should hear me out on this one please.
INSTEAD OF: You’re so annoying.
SAY: What you did/said actually upset me, and I need you to be a bit more sensitive about these things.
From the above, it seems like the alternatives are much longer than what you’re probably used to. In fact, the responses you’ll get from him may differ, as it is relative to each person. But trust me, it’s worth it and it is way more effective in yielding promising results.
💊 6) SUPPORT HIS EVERY PASSION
Who’s the greatest cheerleader on his team? That’s a trick question. You know It has to be you! Especially at times when no one is cheering.
You may not know this, but guys are quite sensitive and sentimental even without pushing any buttons. Guys need validation and support from the ones they love. It’s something many ladies don’t realise.
You’ll find a lot of men who seem tough on the outside like they have it all figured out, especially the ones in a place of leadership. But really, they don’t always have it figured out. They are not always self-motivated to complete their tasks. They need the extra push. They need to know they’re not alone. It takes only sincere people to admit that.
This will require you to know as much as you can about what he’s doing. Be very involved with it. Take it personally like it’s your own thing. Carry the matter on your head. Because at the end of the day, whether that venture succeeds or fails, it’ll set the mood of the relationship. And those outcomes shape how the relationships look.
Ask him questions about what he’s working on. Ask how you can be of help to him. Find a way to use your human and material resources, that is, your connections to people, your financial resources, etc. to support that dream. Let him know that when all is said and done, you’ve got his back.
Let him know that he need not be afraid to fail occasionally, because you’ll be there to help him up and push him to keep running the hurdle race of life. Support his dreams intentionally, and then some more.
💊 7) LEAVE INSECURITY OUT THE DOOR
You cannot enjoy a relationship to its full potential when you live it in paranoia. Fear sucks the life out of a thing before it gets the chance to live.
I’ll say this once but very loudly. YOUR MAN DOESN’T HAVE TO BE SCUM.
You keep saying men are scum and you don’t expect to think that way about your man, even if it’s subconsciously? Hmm…I laugh in Medical Latin.
Trust me when I say this, that you don’t want to put yourself in that place where you cannot trust your man.
Let’s say you see him talking with a girl with a wide smile on his face and genuine laughter intermittently and you start to think, “Hmmm…and he never smiles like that with me oo.” “See how she’s looking at him like she wants to enter his face.” “Something must be going on here…I can just feel it.”
Or perhaps, he tells you he’s going out somewhere, and then you ask him, “Where is that somewhere you’re going?” You strive to find out the details of where he’s going, what he’ll be doing there and what time he’ll be getting back home from there. Perhaps you even have a friend that stays around where he’s going and put that friend up to checking on your man’s every action. Sounds so extra right? But it happens.
If you cannot be rest assured and trust that your man is faithful to you, then you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship. You would need to work out those feelings of insecurity you have, visit the source of it and deal with it head on. You might be insecure because of things you’ve seen with separated couples, instances with your friend whose boyfriend cheated on her, stories you read on social media, or perhaps even your very own parents.
Heck, it could even be what happened with you in a past relationship. It really is sad and heart-breaking to hear things like this. But you can heal and grow from such experiences. You should not harden your heart or become an entirely different person because of your experiences. Yes, protect your heart even more from gullibility, but don’t let someone who truly loves you and would be faithful to you suffer for someone else’s offenses.
You are allowed to believe the best about yourself and your relationship. Don’t buy into the suggestions of the world online and offline and take it to be the truth for you. Why can’t your own relationship, and by extension, marriage, be the example of faithfulness that people can look to and have hope again? Believe it or not, there are actual couples out there that remained faithful to each other from start to finish.
Not one case of infidelity or duplicity. That could be you too. Living a life free of such anxiety and paranoia.
I know this may not sound professional as a love doctor, but I’ll give it to you for free anyways. Take your relationship to God in prayer. Pray for your man regularly and fervently. Your prayers have a huge role to play in the sustenance of your relationship. They will keep him even at his weakness. They will keep both of you.
There’s so much to say, but our time is up for today. I really do hope our session has been of benefit to you.
Dearest patient, I wish you good all the best in your romantic pursuits.
When shall we have our next appointment?
LDr. Kenneth Olusanya,
The Love Doctor.
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